How To Live With A Woman
Article by Hope Alexander
Tags: Ass Beach Drunk Monster
November 08 2009. Article viewed 7200 times.
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Some say that its not possible, others postulate that you must sell your soul. Many have tried and many have failed, but there is a ray of hope amidst the cloudy skies. You can live with a woman. It will require dedication, and nerves of steel, but if you follow the directives laid out within this passage you may yet achieve your desire, though it is entirely possible that you may wish you hadn't.
The First Directive: On no account may you marry the woman.
Marriage may seem tempting, but if you are foolish to pursue the sounds of the tinkling bells, then you must be prepared to face a monster unlike any you have ever seen before. The bride-to-be is a fearsome creature, who eats grooms for breakfast and strews destruction and lace doilies in her path. Your life will become consumed with the details of floral arrangements, her large cousin Sharon's dress, and whether or not Uncle Mark and that slutty acrobat he's dating can come to the ceremony.
If you should happen to survive through the actual ceremony and all its pitfalls, you will carry your bride over the threshold to discover that some dreadful transformation has taken place and you are now possessed of a wife. A wife is a far different creature than a girlfriend, with different standards and needs. You must remember that she now owns your very soul, and that your testicles will be kept in a box 'neath her pillow and taken out only when she wants you to have the use of them.
You will find yourself the owner of plaid slippers, and very possibly a submissive stutter. You will loose any linguistic prowess you once had, as your vocabulary becomes composed of the two words “Yes dear”. Don't let any ideas about being the head of the household fool you, that's just a ruse, so that while you're chewing on the big piece of chicken you don't notice your free will being siphoned off.
It's a horrible fate, and one that you can avoid, just as long as you stay far away from any talk of matrimony.
Directive Two: Be as the river, flowing around obstacles.
You are going to get bitched at. Just accept it. Unless you have moved in with a blow up doll (an option that many men have, in fact chosen at some point in their lives) you will find almost every activity you hold dear to have suddenly become either disgusting or useless. Every woman comes with a unique set of annoyances and expectations, which must be pandered to or met if there is to be peace. If you fail to pick up your socks, expect swift and harsh retribution. Remember at all times the key phrase, “Yes darling”. Unfortunately whether you marry her or not, you're going to be using set phrases alot. It is simply part and parcel of being with one of these creatures. Women want to feel that you are “validating their feelings” which is another term for “doing exactly what they say”.
So be as the river, if she decides to dam your habits of toenail clipping whilst watching the news, just know that there are other places to flow onto. Resistance is not only futile, it is down right dangerous. A woman can become quite aggressive when challenged, and if nagging and screaming fail to produce the desired result, you can expect some cast iron cookware to be flying towards you at some point.
Directive Three: Abandon the self.
This is also rather zen like in nature, and will assist you greatly when it comes to living with the woman of your choice. Once you have set up a home together, you become, in a sense, hers. Like part of the furniture, you will need to be dressed and cleaned appropriately, and presented at special occasions, or even just used as a talking point.
Your girlfriends friend: “Doesn't Richard look nice in that shirt”
Your girlfriend: “Oh yes, I bought it for him on sale at stuffy&prickly”
(Meanwhile Richard is slowly asphyxiating as the collar of the shirt seems to constrict his windpipe further and further.)
In this case, Richard may later receive favors of a sexual nature because his darling girlfriend is so proud of him, for making her look good. Women love to accessorise, shoes, handbag and boyfriend must all compliment one another.
Directive the Fourth: Listen
Listen. Listen to the sound of your motorbike that is just too dangerous being driven away by it's new owner. Listen to the sounds of your favorite shirt being cut up into rags. Listen to the tape of the 1983 Super Bowl being taped over with episodes of “women bitch about their lives”. Listen to the squeals of horror as she discovers your porn collection, and to yours as she incinerates it. Listen to the sounds of your new life. Breathe deep and embrace it, for tonight, as long as you remember to put the trash out, feed the cat, the fact that her favorite color is lemon yellow, and that her mother called, you may just get to look at her back as she sleeps, and possibly be elbowed or kicked awake during the night.
The Fifth Directive: Enjoy the Fruits.
Ah, the rewards of living together. They may sometimes seem few and far between, but there are certain advantages to being the man she comes home to after getting wound up and drunk with her girlfriends. She might jump your bones, or alternatively tell you what scum you men are, depending on whether or not one of her canine like friends got dumped or cheated on recently.
You will probably find however, that your clothes have never been so clean, your nasal hair so trimmed, or your shortcomings so perceptively pointed out. What an opportunity for personal growth has been presented to you. The chance to be molded in her image. Whatever your girlfriend is like, you can be certain that your life will not be the same. You can be certain that you will never be the same.
Something else to consider. A kind of Zen problem for you to solve as you lie there, your back burning and eyes watering as your dear girlfriend rips the hair from your skin with boiling wax in preparation for your next trip to the beach.
Can millions of monks be wrong?
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